A Letter To My Sister

Sometimes I think about how it’s going to be like in 10, 20, 30 years. When you’ll get married, will I attend? If I get married, would I even invite you? Who will be the godmother of your children?
After all that’s been, I still don’t know what I’ve done to deserve to be treated the way you have treated me my entire life. And I am slowly realising that I do not deserve it, no matter what might have happened. But I would still like to know what made you this way.
As a sister it’s really hard not to compare yourself and to not feel jealous. There are a lot of people that love you, you found a great job after graduating from 2 amazing schools. Mom’s avatar on WhatsApp is a picture of her with you at your graduation. I don’t even have a picture with her. For the longest time whenever people asked how we were doing, the topic would be 10% me, 90% you. But I never acted on these feelings. Of course, they made me miserable and dislike myself even more, because that is what you taught me to do. That you are the perfect one and I’m the adopted, boyish, stupid, fat, annoying, retarded waste of space. And again it took me a long time to realise that I am neither of these things. While you were off building your life and having fun, I was at home, breathing for the first time. But I spent it in my bed because I was too afraid to leave and get hurt again. Not to mention how useless I felt, not able to take on the world. And I still feel this way many, many times. I feel like you got all the good genes and I’m just a failed Mark 2.
You know what I said when mom told me there were girls in your school bullying you in Canada? I said “Good, now she knows what it feels like”. Not only was I happy that you got a taste of your own medicine, I was happy to know that this doesn’t just happen to me. It was one of those Ah-moments in which I realised that this stuff can happen to anyone without any fault of their own. But you didn’t take it as a lesson. Of course you wouldn’t correlate your own experience and link it to your own sister. You didn’t magically change and started being nice to me. 
And that’s when I learned that I have qualities you will never possess. Empathy and a goodness that might not be useful in todays world but I want to be a stronger person that doesn’t care about these things. I want to protect my integrity and morals. And if that means cutting you out of my life, then that’s a choice I’ll sadly have to make.

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